I don't know about you but I love to see a 'murmuration' of starlings. It's breathtaking to watch and can be quite mind-blowing. How on earth do they manage to swoop and swirl so close and not bump into each other? Why do they do it...although I'm glad that they do.
Scientists have studied this 'natural phenomenon' in order to understand it better. They believe that it is a way of the starlings protecting themselves from predators, and working together creates a stronger force to be reckoned with.
This amazing spectacle takes place in the autumn and winter months when starlings fly to the UK from colder climates across Europe. They come in vast numbers bringing the 'newbies' along with them and the murmuration is the different flocks coming together, at dusk, before they settle down to sleep for the night. The swooping and swirling are the different flocks joining up and it's believed that even within the murmuration, individual starlings fly from the outside to the inside of their flock in order to continue to protect themselves. This is because those on the outside are still more vulnerable to the pesky predators. Staggering!
For us humans there is so much 'gold' to glean from knowing and watching these clever birds.
Understanding and recognising weakness
I thought I knew myself really well. I'm very in tune with my feelings and emotions. I'm empathic, sensitive and just love to help others. In fact I'm a bit of a #legend! Or at least I thought I was all of those things. Then in 2016 I experienced a loss when my Dad died. Bereavement happens to us all and there is nothing more sure in life, other than, we will lose people around us. The difference with this loss though was that, I'd first lost my Dad, when I was 4 years old and my parents separated and divorced. Again, nothing new there, apart from this was 1970 and I didn't meet anyone else whose parents weren't together until I turned 11 and moved to High School. Still I think my early experiences were what led me to being kind, sensitive and empathic.
Roll back to 2016. I'd guessed that my Dad was terminally ill in May and he told me himself in September of that year. Having not lived with him since my parents divorce, I'd visited in school holidays, enjoying the company of my two older brothers who stayed with him, and then a stepmother and stepsister, as well as the wider family on my Dad's side. Over the years I laughed with him and we chatted about his golf, bowling, the family, and he would ask me about my children and work. There wasn't much depth to our relationship though and I didn't feel that he really knew the essence of who I am. In 2016 our time together became more precious to me, because I now recognised that time was limited, and I'd never have the chance to enjoy his company again once he was gone for good.
Just over a week before my Dad died I went to visit him in hospital, as I had done for the previous 3 weeks. He'd been moved to a side room and when I went in I could see that he'd deteriorated as he looked very poorly and was now on oxygen. Around his bed were my older brother (next in line to me from my Mum and Dad's marriage), my sister-in-law, stepsister and niece. Non of them looked at me but my brother said, 'It's not a good time Elaine'. To which I asked, 'Am I not allowed to stay?' 'No' came the reply. I was devastated. I didn't have a lot to do with my brother, but we'd never fallen out with each other and I'd never fallen out with my Dad either.
The following week was surreal. At work I carried on as if everything in my world was fine. I was observed during a mock Ofsted and did the best observation of my career to date! You couldn't make this up could you. My crash didn't come until 3 days after my Dad's death when I'd still been travelling to work and delivering lessons but this day my body said, 'ENOUGH Elaine! ENOUGH!'
This began the darkest and most painful time of my life. I was signed off work, initially for 2 weeks. Two weeks led to two more, which led to a further month, and another, and then I...resigned, as a Lecturer. Whoah, where did that come from? Well if truth be told, I'd wanted my own business for about 16 years and had dreamed of the day where this would happen but I'd always found an excuse. What was really stopping me was fear of failure, but that's another Blog post right there. I'd just found this period such a life changing situation for me and couldn't go back to my life before it. It allowed me to reflect upon me, my life, what I'd done, what I was doing and what I really wanted to do. What I found was, that I didn't want to do what, I didn't want to do, anymore! The only answer left was to resign, and when I was feeling ready for work, to take this opportunity to start my own business.
During this time I was training to be a counsellor. Yeh, I know. WHAT?! Well, I could rock up to the lessons and input into the discussions, but beyond that I found it too painful to take part in any triads. No, this isn't the Chinese secret society, but an exercise where 3 people take on the roles of, counsellor, the person being counselled and observer. All I could manage was observing my peers.
I also began to access a counsellor for myself. What an interesting time this turned out to be. I found that the grief I was feeling, was for my brothers who'd stayed with my Dad, following our parents' separation. The trigger to this grief was being told to leave the hospital by my brother. Although I've learnt a lot about myself in this time, what I do know to be true, is that I love people, and this includes random strangers as well as acquaintances, friends and family. To be treated cruelly by someone that you love but don't realise that you love, and that you've missed having the relationship you should have had, and have therefore grieved for, for 46 years, was such an eye-opener.
So what's this got to do with 'understanding and recognising your weakness'? Well what I learnt about myself was...I've been a people pleaser all my life. I clearly was hurting when my parents separated, and I missed my brothers more than I could say or even admit to myself or others, so I acted as if everything was 'ok'. By doing this, I must have realised that this helped everyone around me to be 'ok', too. So this became me default setting. When I didn't like situations I wouldn't always vocalise this. When I was asked to do something for others and didn't have the time or didn't really want to, I'd say, 'Yes', because that made people like me and feel good around me. If others around me were hurting, I had to help them feel better because that helped me to feel better. I hated conflict and would avoid it at all cost because I didn't believe it was possible to say what I really thought without upsetting the other person, and they might not like me then! I recognised and understand this weakness and now am able to say, 'No' without guilt. I'm able to talk candidly with people and understand that it's from a position of love and not condemnation. And I know and recognise my own capacity, so saying, 'No' in some cases is a necessity for my own wellbeing.
Looking for others to help You along the way
I've been so lucky to have an amazing family and friends who I can talk to about anything, so that's what I did. What's great in those situations is that, when you're close to those that you're sharing with, you can be You. You can be honest. You can cry. You can laugh. You can be quiet. You can rant. You can be grumpy. You can talk about other things. You can truly, be You.
My parents, yes, my parents, were as stoic as always. Since 1970, I've had an amazing man in my life who married my Mum and became my Dad, and 15 years ago, when my marriage had broken down and my children were still young, we bought a house together. In this period of anxiety, stress and hurt, my parents offered a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear and a deep love that enveloped me, just when I needed it. We had some very open and frank discussions about life, divorce, relationship breakdown, death, and what's to come when they are no longer around. I even put them straight when they were making assumptions about how I felt about my brother who'd hurt me, and the Dad I'd lost. Talking openly and honestly is so refreshing and should be done by everyone. We'd have less problems in the world if we did this.
My grown-up children and their spouses were amazing. They came around me and protected me, as they held me in the middle of the four of them, particularly at my Dad's funeral which was a personal ordeal. I felt safe there in their midst, because being a natural extrovert and a confident person, I was lost, frightened, weak and extremely vulnerable. So like the starlings, I moved from the outside of the flock to a safer place, for the season that I needed it. Oh and how loved and protected did I feel.
My friends offered a haven of love and tranquility, where I could 'just be'. And everybody needs a place where they can, 'just be'. I didn't have to think, or appear as if everything was fine. I could sit in their company and talk, or listen, laugh and cry. Oh my days, friends are so, so valuable in our lives.
And my journal, offered the safest place to let-out all my vulnerability. Because my faith, is the most important part of my being, I wrote my journal to God, but if that doesn't float your boat, you could write to a younger or older self, or to the universe, it doesn't matter, the process of writing is what's important. In my journal I could be the most vulnerable me. I could write my fears, hopes and dreams for the future. A future that I was now quite unsure about, because I'd resigned and didn't know what this was going to look like. What surprised me though, was that the vast majority of my ramblings involved gratitude for what I did have. The people in my life who I loved and who I knew loved me. I was grateful for this time. I was grateful for the rest. The first rest I had experienced in my adult life. I was grateful for adult colouring. I was grateful for Netflix, and in particular, 'Gilmore Girls'. I was grateful for not having to think about anything. I was grateful for not having to do anything for anyone, except myself. I was grateful for being more frightened about going back to work than having no money and therefore being able to resign. I was grateful for the 10 and a half years I spent in my job. I was grateful for the colleagues. I was grateful for the lessons I'd learnt. I was grateful for the students who I'd taught and who had taught me. I was grateful for a new season.
I couldn't have manoeuvred my way through this period in my life without all those amazing people coming around me, loving me and protecting me. Like the starlings, I would have been even more vulnerable without their presence. I certainly felt the saying of, 'there's safety in numbers'. And the number of people who flew with me, sometime on my inside and sometimes on my outside, knowing when I needed both because they know me so well, so the slightest change in a look, body language or gesture and they reacted, just how I needed them to. No words were needed. They instinctively knew which way to turn and where to direct me next.
Teaching others who come after us
So what's life been like since resigning? A process of recovery. Learning new skills. A roller-coaster of fear (healthy fear), excitement, happiness, disbelief that I get to do this (!), joy, pride and indescribable gratitude which you've already had a hint to above.
Having felt de-skilled in my previous job, I now realised just how skilled I was and I had a greater belief in myself and my abilities. I had two opportunities open themselves up to me and this led to Equip and Build Training and Consultancy (www.equipandbuild.co.uk) being born.
The first opportunity was sub-contracting for a local Social Enterprise (https://csnw.co.uk). Wow. What a place! This organisation started about 9 years ago in response to a recognition of loneliness within the community, and now offers a vast array of solution-focused services, that empower people to be all that they can be. The people I've met through Community Solutions have enriched my life, beyond anything they will ever realise. This is from the Team to the volunteers, participants and other training attendees that include; nurses, support workers, police officers, students. They're all fantastic. I've been allowed a window into their worlds, and hopefully I've given back to them through my knowledge, facilitation and giving them a voice that's listened to and heard. In some instances offering advice, support, signposting or candid words that offer a new perspective.
The second opportunity was to work with a loved and cherished school friend who owns a Private Pre-School and Day Nursery (www.badgersbarn.co.uk). The idea was to cover a holiday period and during a handover discuss potential staff development. This was such a fantastic experience not least because the setting is in a beautiful part of Cheshire, with outstanding practice and great children and families accessing it. The work ended up being a bigger piece than expected as I wrote a new procedure for 'assessing, planning and observing' the children, and spent the next 12 months either researching and writing or living at my friend's home and working in the nursery setting. What a treat to do something I love with and for someone I love. Life is good.
I've also, delivered workshops for myself through my business, Equip and Build. In all instances I've been blown away by the people I've met and worked with. Some have been experiencing issues whilst attending the workshops. Some are in the process of recovery and this could be from a difficult life situation or from addiction, whilst others have come along in order to use the information in their working lives. We've laughed together, and cried. I've been very moved and privileged to hear the stories of those attending, and this is now something else that I'm grateful for. My delivery is informal and learning takes place for everyone in the room, including myself, it's definitely a two-way flow, and I leave each session having gained from the experience, as well as putting into it.
I used to feel like I was a whisper in a crowd, when working in my last job. I experienced a painful, life-changing event that left me broken, but from that brokenness, I rested, reflected, recovered and reinvented myself. I'm now living the best life.
I now feel like I'm part of a stunning, breathtaking, spectacular murmur...ation. Where I get to move in tune with my flock, sometimes on the outside and sometimes on the inside. I get to join up with other flocks, to be stronger together, moving with one mind and body, and teaching those who are coming after us. This autumn when I watch the spectacle of a stunning starling murmuration I'll reflect upon the last 3 years and be eternally grateful for the experiences, as well as wonder at the cleverness of these little creatures.
Don't be a whisper. Be a murmur...ation! We're stronger together. We get one life, so live it well.
p.s. A year on from my brother asking my to leave the hospital room I visited him to tell him that, 'I love', him. Remember the starlings bring their 'newbies' back with them to the warmer climate. They don't leave them floundering alone. It was important that my brother knew and understood what had happened for me, and didn't go through life thinking I hated him. The starlings teach those that come after them too...